So your Facebook profile pic is a random guy?

Disclaimer: This did happen.

Mom: "You sound like you were sleeping?"

Me: "What do you expect at 7 a.m on a Sunday mom?"

Mom: "So what is it today? Tired or very tired? Those seem to be your default status."

Me: (Mentally to myself - Now I know where we get our 'cutting' sense of humor). "Ma, am old now and working full time is tiring. Plus have a kid and home to manage. Add to that am not superwoman."

Mom: "Thats fine. These are choices one makes. So I heard you have a boys photo on facebook."

Me: "What boy?"

Mom: "I have no time and energy for Facebook. But someone told me, you daughter has some boy's pic as her display photo."

Me:"Oh! thats a footballer. And really people discuss all this? I am that important? Also you know I am just short of 40 years, definitely not a teen who should be reprimanded."

Mom: "Its Facebook. You know there have been legal proceeding for just posting and liking. You watch the news am sure."

Me: "Yeah no comments on that right now. Don't sue me please, we are family. But how is this affecting anyone's life? There is just so much to worry in the world besides Facebook pics?"

Mom: "One wonders about your mental health."

Me: "Its too late now. Plus you should know FB profile pics take up a lot of energy. You need to dress, then click pics showing happiness and then window dress and dent/paint the photo. Or have something exotic to show. One of my pals was posing at Machu Picchu for her profile pic. That is a tough one to beat. I am working on an exotic pic. Don't worry." 

Mom: "Just put your own picture, some family photo, holiday pictures, trees, flowers you grew or just leave it blank. Why a random boy?"

Me: "Freedom of choice, extends to Facebook pics I hope. And it is not a random boy. Its a footballer your dear grandson likes. We feel he is under-rated we are doing our bit for him. Its like social service."

Mom: "At your age one assumed better sense would prevail."

Me: "Better sense defies age I notice and do you realize a few years and your grandson will be on Facebook with all kinds of photos? And he won't even explain."   

Mom: "Yeah, will be nice to see how you handle it. I will be out of it. Though he is a really smart and sorted kid, I think you lucked out."

Me: "Please remember, behind every sorted kid is a mom sorting him out. Anyway please inform the well wishers, our kind hearted daughter is helping that poor lad. Its completely driven by charity."

Wow! did that just happen?




   


 

On my eternal love for paneer and going home

Why do we go home? 

For the food, the love and the memories. 

For the old toys which stay safe year after year, while the rest of the world goes to pieces. 

For the childhood poems and old diaries (I found one from when I was 11, and it had my Last will and Testament !!) which are treasured.

For seeing us become our parents, “No, you can’t eat that ice cream. And bedtime is 9 no matter what.”

For seeing our parents become ‘cool’ and ‘fun’ when dealing with their grandchildren, “Lets go and eat donuts and ignore your mother.”

For food which tastes like nothing ever does.

For cupboards which still have our old clothes.

For that room which is called ‘Yours’ though you stopped living there more than a decade ago.

For the simple belief that a few hugs and a lot of paneer can cure anything in this world. Be it a broken heart, existential angst or job troubles. 

For reaffirming your faith in mankind.  

For the reassurance that no matter what you do or where you go, you have a place to come back to.

 

       

Where will the pigeons stay?

I love livings beings. But pigeons are one messy breed to handle. I am saying this after countless pigeon hatching sessions. No, I was not hatching their eggs, I was just letting them hatch their eggs in peace - in my balcony, on the bathroom ledge and the bedroom window which they claimed by placing an egg. For the uninitiated, pigeon hatching is a long drawn process in which you desist from touching the place a pigeon has claimed. Since the pigeons will not hatch an egg if they sense you have tampered with it. So you have to let it be - filth and all. Once the pigeon egg hatches, the baby takes a while to learn to fly. Again you have to let the place be. In one case a pigeon was so happy living on my window ledge that it made a very long stay and I finally had to shoo it away.

Alright, so the above background establishes that I am a good person, pro-pigeon, non-territorial and in general worth knowing. The only thing I hate is when any living thing messes with my plants. I don't have a huge garden just a few plants in the balcony, but I am extremely attached to them and am very particular about their well being. I actually get worried when one of them goes through a less than healthy growth phase and the death of a plant is very devastating for me. This does not make me nutty - just pro-plant.

So lately the pigeons have taken to my plants with a vengeance. Pick, destroy, randomly uproot. Of course, they are 'just birds' who know no better, when we have humans 'the one with brains' doing the same. So being pro-birds, I was not in favor of putting nets to ward off pigeons.

But today they set me on the war-path after they uprooted my lovingly and carefully grown herbs. I decided I was totally done with them and declared my intentions to my son.

Son promptly declared,"Its all your fault." While I was muddling over this. He tells me "The likes of you have cut trees and taken away all spaces the pigeons can live in. So before taking away your balcony also, please find an alternative space for the birds."

Profound and shows someone is doing a good job with him. As for me, I will steel myself and let the pigeons be for now.  I think Ill put my 'wise' son on devising some kind of training to make the pigeons a little more sensitive to my plants.

While I have given up on human beings, my feeling is the pigeons might somehow be more amenable.





        

HoliDaze

April, May and June,

Son is on the moon.

Its that time of the year again,

When getting up in the morning is not a pain.

Son is up with the lark,

Though my mornings (which begin at 5 a.m.) are a bit stark.

I wake up to the sound of a basketball,

Hitting the wall.

Its holidaze he says,

To my sleepy, laconic gaze.

One hour later,

It gets no better.

The house looks like a war zone,

Legos strewn and toys dismembered and torn.

The sound is magnified,

The TV volume amplified,

I see his pals running hither and thither,

While I dither.

The last I saw a game of pillow fight was on,

I escaped to pen my feelings in full form.

Its bed time finally,

Though he just informed me with glee.

Its Sunday tomorrow,

Your watch with the alarm I shall borrow.

Ill get up at 5,

And take a long jog to revive.

Sigh! Sunday and 5?

Its like these kids connive.

To make the moms feel blazed,

Every HoliDaze.

You got the smarts

Well it is exam time. And I knew things were not going to be smooth sailing when on the first day of his study leave son declares, " You have wasted half my day in making me study." Considering it was 12 a.m and he had been up since 6.30 a.m. it was half a day indeed and what a day!

2 break fast breaks, 2 snack breaks one toilet paper rolled all over the house and one green clay looking suspiciously fungusy(eeks) all over his room disaster and just half a day. And of course we managed some 20 minute of studying in between all the excitement.

Anyway, in my new age parenting wisdom I decided to have a free and frank talk with him. Here it is verbatim with no artistic licenses, just some grammar changes.

Me: I think it is time you improved your handwriting.

Son: No need. I am anyway smarter than the teacher. Also now she is able to understand what I am written.

Me: Maybe she has given up and does not care. But do it for yourself.

Son: No need. All the teachers finally start understanding my handwriting. Anyway its your fault, you gave me birth.

Me: Well, that is pushing it a bit too far. I did give you birth but I did not insist you write untidily.

Son: No its a DNA defect you did. You made me smarter than all the other kids with bad handwriting.

Me: How do you know you are smarter than other kids?

Son: I know stuff they don't. For instance they don't know that there are people smarter than Einstein and the name of the first submarine.

Me: I am sure many kids know that. Have you come up with something original?

Son: Yeah I invented a new type of snack. I actually made holes in a Khakhra (a Gujarati snack for the uninitiated) and added cashew nuts to it. So I have invented a new snack.

While I sat thinking of this significant achievement which my engineered DNA defect had led to, son decided to get the last word in." Do you think you need to be boring to get things done?" While I sat wondering where did that come from he tells me, "I was reading one of your books, 'Steal like an artist' (he reads some of the books I do, especially graphic novels) and it says you need to be boring to get things done. But Mummy, I don't think its right. I get so much done and I am not boring." :)

Gaga over Yoga:)

Dear Yoga,

How do I love thee,
let me count the ways...

You give me a high which white wine & dark chocolate cannot match,
All while I am working out and there is really no catch.
Catch = (weight, clogged arteries, new scientific research..)

The stretches make me realize how unused the muscles and joints are,
Alas! the long road to a 'healthy' body is indeed far.

The word 'Breathe' takes on a new meaning in life,
Yes, we do forget to inhale and exhale in the everyday strife.

The warrior pose, the tree pose, the cat and the cobra,
Last night, son wanted to know if Yoga has a zebra (Not heard of one though).

The joy of the sun salutation, the rays of the sun falling on my face,
The feeling of strength, the agility, the grace...

Mind, body and breathe,
For Yoga that is all you need..

I gave up writing verse at eight,
To start again at 35 is a little late,
But Yoga you make me lithe and happy,
So you deserve a verse fun and snappy:)

Gender Bender

Son walked in from school last week and told me a very interesting story. His school has started gender sensitization for students. They had a play a few days ago where they showed a girl being bullied by a boy. Instead of crying, the girl asserted herself and stood up to the bullying. The principal of his school ended the session with a 'Respect girls' talk. Bravo.

Now post these sessions it seems the number of pitched battles in my son's class have exponentially gone up. (The teacher must be on deep breathing exercises and Saridon). Earlier it was limited to a few random kids hitting each other. Now a lot of girls have joined the fray leading to a lot of bruises. A few days ago son came back with a huge bruise and told me "Reena punched me and told me that I should  respect her. I told her how can I respect you if you hit me. I punched her back and she came with the girls team. We fought bravely though my pal Ashwin was badly hit and started crying."

I decided it was time for me to step in as the parent and give him some gyaan on respect and equality. So I told him," You can't assume girls to be the weaker gender. You need to stop hitting them assuming there is going to be no retaliation." Son with his infinite wisdom tells me , "Oh girls are not to be fought with. They wail so loudly and lengthily that the teacher immediately grounds all the boys from games period if we fight with even one of them. Plus usually other girls also join in to lend their support and twice principal sir grounded all the boys post a fight."
More (vocal) power to the girls I say:)

Dear Man who cuts my hair in the salon (Sorry Hair Stylist),

I must applaud your persistence  In the 8 odd years I have been coming to you to get my hair cut, trimmed, colored, bleached, coal tared,  ghastlied, you have constantly and patiently suggested so many ways and means to get me to look 25. And to my credit I have always told you I never liked 25 much. It was a very dull and boring time in my life. I was busy building a career and had no life. Anyway to get to the point as I have told you time and again I am happy being in my swinging 30's, so please don't send me back to my staid 20's.

I must also applaud you for the timing of your 'Madam try our 10 years younger facial package.' It is invariably brought up when I am sitting in front of 8 mirrors, in bright light with half wet hair, feeling like a guinea pig. In fact I am so used to your spiel now that I know exactly what is coming when. First the get younger facials, then the pore minimizing cream with the new age blah blah exonomiothaziniate (or some such thing), then the Kareena Kapoor Mac compact and finally the de-stressing spa package.

On a few occasions I have tried tackling the problem by wearing glasses and carrying a book while I got a haircut. I kept my nose stuck in the book while my hair was being cut, refusing to look at pores and signs of ageing in 8 mirrors. Of course after the session you promptly suggested the carrot facial package which will also strengthen my eyes and make my free from glasses. Since after all 'Madam glasses are also a sign of ageing.' Sigh, man I love my glasses, and it took me a long time to get them.

I am actually tempted to take one of your packages for 8 years of persistent efforts and because occasionally your nagging reminds me of my mom.

To sign off dear man, here is some gyaan from Coco Chanel of Chanel number 5 no less - She says nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at 50.

Best,
Me@35


   

Right or Wrong

My son's eight year old friend found a twenty rupee note lying on the road and immediately declared, 'This goes in my piggybank.' My son meanwhile felt it is not really his, so it would be morally wrong to go with the rest of his money in the piggybank. After a heated argument with 'finders-keepers' vs 'this is stealing' I was called in to suggest an appropriate solution. It is not easy being an authority on these issues, more so when - 'Why don't we google and check', was also one of the options suggested, which I quickly scuttled.

Strangely, I have never found any money lying on the road - of course partly due to the fact that I am careless, and probably one of those people who drop some of those notes which others eventually find. But that set me thinking, 'What would I do if I found some money?' I would not put it in my piggybank as it just seems fundamentally wrong to keep money which is not rightfully mine. I would probably donate it, that way at least I would live with a clear conscience and it would/could (should one hopes) be used for a worthy cause. Though, as the kids helpfully pointed out - 'But mummy who will come to take a twenty rupee donation?' I could also give it to one of those (unfortunately) all pervasive traffic light beggars.  But that would be wrong and it would seem like I am condoning something wrong. Another quick, seemingly right and convenient option would be it handing over to the apartment security. In my apartment, jewellery or money accidentally dropped is reported to the security who return it, if they find it. But given the triviality of the amount who would report it lost and who would return it. However, I could just give it to them as my charitable 'chai-paani' gesture. Or I could just take the easy way out - leave it lying on the road - let someone else get lucky or unlucky - depending on the way you see it.

Anyway, the latest update is, the money is in the friend's piggy bank. His grand mother said it was perfectly right, since it is his money now. My son meanwhile has declared his friend is likely to grow up and become a 'wrong person.'

Angry Surd

My seven year old and I had a very interesting Sharad Pawar slap-gate discussion today morning.

Son: 'It was so awesome that corrupt man was slapped by the Sardarji.'

Me: 'Yeah they are all very corrupt, useless.'

Then I realised I am giving him the wrong idea here. So I told him, we are a democracy where we vote and get the right people to look after us. There are courts for filing cases against corrupt people. LokPal - again like a judge to investigate. Son hears my monologue and post that goes - "But who elected this man?"

Me: "Well, people like us."

Son: " Ok did that Sardarji who slapped him elect him also?"

Me: "Maybe not. Or maybe he did and was therefore angrier than the rest of us."

Son: "I did not elect him. I am happy he was slapped. In fact Anna Hazare should give this man a prize as he is also fighting corruption. This is 'real fighting'."

Last heard son was intending to download the Angry Surd for IPAD . Someone needs to quickly launch this one. Will be a big hit.

Note to self: News is definitely PG12. Parental guidance advised. Ditto newspapers.

Definitely Not a Love Story

Disclaimer - My title has nothing to do with the recently released Hindi movie. And yes, I am clued in to all the new releases in Bollywood.

Not long ago, (in fact just last week) in India's IT capital there was a famous man, an actor no less who one night brutally beat up his wife and threatened her with a gun. He also burnt her with cigarette stubs while he was at it. They were having marital problems and he decided the only way to settle it was to beat up his wife in her parents house. The wife went and filed a five page police complaint detailing marital abuse. In her complaint she named a lady friend of her husband's as the 'cause of her marital problems'.

The wife was hospitalized and treated for her physical injuries - needles to say the mental agony is ignorable since she is married to a Demi-God and tsk tsk all these things keep happening between husbands and wives. Surprisingly, or maybe because the wife's injuries were so obvious, the police had to act and put the Demigod in jail. His supporters came out to show their support, disrupted public life and showed how unfair the decision to put a wife beater in jail was.

Demigod meanwhile ended up in the 'best cell' in jail and in true 'Sandalwood style' he faced divine justice. Within hours of being incarcerated, he was diagnosed with jaundice, asthma, respiratory problems and he was sent to the best hospital suite in town. The wife was advised by well wishers to promptly withdraw her complaint or else...After all good girls don't wash their dirty linen in public.

The next day the newspapers of the land carried photographs of a visibly injured and unwell looking wife visiting the 'very sick' husband in hospital. Wife of course made rapid recovery and decided that since she has so many 'well wishers' she might as well recover at home away from the media glare. Also solitude at home will help her reflect on the 'grave' mistake she has made.

Hero-Heroine reconcile, All is well. So movie over? Of course not! Now enters the vamp. Remember in the beginning there was mention of the other woman? A friend of the Demigod, turns out she was actually the cause of all this.

Really how? Did she go and beat up his wife with him? No of course not. He is a hero he can do it himself. Ok then she must be holding the gun at least while he was at it? Rubbish, hero's don't need mere women to hold guns. In fact, she was not even in town when it happened. Hmm ok then maybe she gave instructions to him on phone. Of course not. Our man was anyway too drunk to take instructions.

See, she was responsible since she was the other woman and basically not well brought up - no respect, tameez, tehzeeb etc and also someone had to be punished. So the wise men of the land got together and decided to 'ostracize her, stop talking to her and giving her work' so that a strong message goes out to all the other women - You can't mess with a married Demigod. They are after all a gullible, susceptible lot.

Surely someone must have spoken up for her? Yeah one or two random people did. And the battered wife of course considers her all evil.

So they are not taking any action against him? There is no need. Wife has absolved him of all crimes and the wise men feel he has been punished by the almighty for his crimes.

Of so finally all is well? Not yet. Me thinks, another twist in the tale is waiting to happen. The other woman who has so far taken a strong stand will be advised by her 'well wishers' to publicly apologize and send an apology note to the media. Also she will finally tie the Demigod a Rakhi and basically turn over a new leaf - upholding our great culture and tradition.

Losing it

I was asked to do a weight loss blog by a few pals - after wondering 'am I even qualified to write one' to 'why would someone find this interesting', I finally wrote it down. People (some) of you asked for it! 

For most women having a baby is time when the extra kilos pile up and refuse to go. Also, well meaning family and friends don't help matters by telling you how Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie were back to size 2 one month after having their babies. Size zero, Kareena Kapoor's, clothes (especially western wear) designed for dimensionally challenged women and flattering Facebook pics of pals and pals of pals (I am NOT voyeuristic - whats the point of having flattering pics if no one sees - please tell me) are other very discouraging factors. 

 

Ok I'll get to the point. Here's what helps in terms of exercise options when you finally decide to get back into those per-pregnancy jeans.

 

- Walking - Brisk walking is effective. Its not glamorous unless you have the privilege of doing it in jogger's park but it does the trick. By brisk I mean you should break into a sweat by round three at least. Ideally you should vary the pace for a proper cardio workout. The good part is, it is cheap and free, you don't need to go to a gym and you can push the baby's pram and do it too. Take an IPod or hear music on your phone and you will be hooked. Of course you need good weather to walk. Though my Mom beats the Delhi heat with the 'Mall Walk'. She does her evening walks in a clean air conditioned environment at the mall near her house:) Of course it takes nerves of steel not shop or hit the Barista post your walk. 

 

- Stair Climbing - Disclaimer - This is not for everyone. Can lead to knee injury. Best to consult your doctor if you have any kind of complaints. However, it worked like magic for me when I was trying to loose weight. Since I am of the 'Thunder Thighs Brigade' this was like the best workout for my lower body. Also if you come from the 'Walking is too easy' thought process this one feels like a workout especially if you are doing anything above 6 floors. To begin with, start by climbing down, its easier and you get used to the idea. Then start taking the stairs once or twice when you run errands. Soon you will get used to it and trust me the benefits are thunderous( (pun intended). The only drawback is my kid grew up watching me climb stairs and now he refuses to use the lift. I stay on the 11th floor and there is major sulking and lecture on wastage of resources (by seven year kid to me) every time I take the lift. 

 

- Yoga - This one is among my favorites but I can't really say it leads to instant and quick weight loss. I did Yoga religiously for six odd months and I think I was extremely healthy with no coughs, colds, migraines and imagined maladies (ban all those online medical sites I implore you) in that time. I think a routine of Pranayams especially 15 minutes of Kapalbharti for getting the tummy tucked followed by Suryanamaskar is a great way to start your day. Of course it is best done first thing and empty stomach. Tip: Shipa Shetty's yoga DVD is usually a good way to induce your better half to join your yoga session. Though I am sorry to say the inevitable comparisons of flat abs and great skin is not good for your self esteem.

 

  - Dancing - Amazing workout. The Bollywood 'Latkas and Jhatkas' make you burn those calories while you happily hum on to 'Sheela ki Jawani.' Most dance classes begin with a warmup and end with a cool down and Bollywood dance is like a cardio. Also you end up learning some dancing which stands you in good stead in ladies sangeets, family weddings and other such occasions. Only flipside is where I stay, all Bollywood dancing is done and taught by 15 to 18 year old's - so I occasionally feel a bit ancient. But it is totally worth it. If you want a toned tummy then belly dancing is another fun workout. Usually done by exotically named instructors, it makes you feel like a princess. Sigh refer Kartina Kaif 'Sheela Ki Jawani'.

 - Cycling - I don't do much of it. But I have family which is totally hooked to it. I am given to understand it is great for the abdominal muscles and I can vouch its great for lower body 'thunderous' parts. Also it is very eco-friendly and you get popular among young people - I had a bunch of kids cheering me on every time I went cycling. You can do it as a family activity. Unless you have family like mine which does it on weekends for 'modest' distances like 200 kms. 

 

  - Zumba - I love Zumba. It is the latest dance inspired fitness program where you move to the beats of your favorite music. In Zumba you get to try a variety of dance moves from Salsa, Merengue, Hip-Hop, Samba, Belly Dancing to Bollywood. The best part is you don't even need to know how to dance. Zumba dance moves are really simple and easy to follow and do, and everyone across age groups can do them. Its great for flat abs, toned glutes and toned leg and arm muscles and maximizes caloric output and fat burning.

 - Swimming - Is a very relaxing, full body workout which works very well for inch and weight loss. It is low intensity and also extremely stress releasing. If you stay 'up North' then nothing like swimming to beat the summer heat. 

Meanwhile here's Woody Allen to cheer us up - "When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty."

Coming soon loosing it part 2 - Food to eat for which I have enlisted a very heath conscious foodie, who unlike me is not a disaster in the kitchen. I'll post some recipes and tips soon.

Going Solo

I like eating out alone. I am not a misanthrope. I am all for loving Humankind and prefer going out with family and friends. But I see no reason why you should deprive yourself of a good meal because people in your life are busy at work, weight watching or not inclined. And sometimes its just an impulse decision which cannot wait for the weekend. Needless to say I am not making a feminist statement. Its just a case of 'Hungry Kya?'

The sight of a woman eating solo in not a common one at all. In all my visits (and there have been numerous) I have only on one occasion spotted a female luncher, and for some reason she looked so miserable, that it nearly took my appetite away. In fact, I have seen more women hanging out alone in pubs than eating out.

I thank my stars, I stay in Bangalore where people mostly leave you alone to your meals. I would for all my sense of adventure avoid attempting this in Delhi. Delhi is a lovely place, I have grown up there and have family (roots as they say and shoots also lets add) but we Punjabi's don't like 'ladeez from respectable families eating alone.' After all 'Ghar par Papaji, Uncleji, Husbandji nahin hai kya?”

Now eating out alone presents some unique challenges. If you are eating in a fancy place, the first obstacle is announcing to the maître d’ restaurant, “I am eating alone so seat me accordingly.” In one case, as soon as I told him place for one (I was trying to circumvent explaining I am eating alone), I was asked,” How many of you are there?” So I told him 'One of me, so I will sit on one seat and you can give me a table for two.' Light dawned and he smiled genially and asked me – 'Oh so you will eat the full meal alone?' I did not know people eat some parts of their meals alone! I guess he was being conversational. Then he proceeded to seat me on a huge table for four in the center of the restaurant where everyone walking in could see what I was eating. I actually felt like a lab specimen – Exhibit 1a. – Woman eating lunch alone. I think he totally did not understand that the idea of having a meal to yourself is some 'me time' where you can catch up on reading or contemplate on the mysteries of life. Sitting in the centre of the restaurant with all the 'families' and 'couplez' surrounding you might be good for the restaurant but is certainly not good for you.

Here places like Cuppa, Mocha and Cafe Coffee Day come to the rescue. The food is not gourmet and I am being charitable here, but the ambiance is mostly college kids or office people taking a break so no one cares about the formalities of seating you or figuring out how many of you are there. But sometimes these young people hangouts tend to have a space crunch. So one day, I ended up sharing a table with three college going kids. One of whom had an array of intimidating tattoos – dragoons and demons and what not's. She seemed to be going through a painful period in life and in a loud booming voice was shouting out the details. I spent a painful 30 minutes while she boomed on about the A@#$%^& who dumped her. And how she would s$%^& his life. Her other pals meanwhile, made sympathetic noises and played games on their phones. So I was like captive audience to this sad story. While I was getting ready to shed some sympathetic tears, kid with tattoo had already moved on in life and was cheerfully playing games on her phone – Cheers to the 21^st century 'Bhartiya Nari' who carries no emotional baggage beyond 1 hour. You will go places girl.

On another occasion, I was witness to a full blown fight between two kids who looked 15. Scene 1 Girl gives guy an earful about 'His lack of commitment to the relationship.' The guy meanwhile nods and gazes at pics on his laptop. Both of them have 'matching' sun glasses given the solemnity of the occasion. Scene 2 Boy shuts laptop and accuses the girl of being 'Demanding.' Scene 3 Girl walks out. Scene 4 Phew! I decide to walk out too. Me of course being a mere extra in the proceedings. Scene 5 I pay and girl walks in again, takes another seat and starts surfing on her (identical, but of course) laptop.

It was all like a Bollywood movie. The only thing missing was maybe Eminen playing in the background.

“Going Solo Solo Solo
dont need you anymore
Ill manage thank you
without you making me look like a fool
I wanna go Solo Solo Solo.... Solo”

Who says eating out alone can get boring, tiring or lonely!

Homework I command thee be done

The title is not original:) Its stolen from Calvin. But those are my exact thoughts as I deal with my son's homework. Homework has changed over the years. From a straightforward read a lesson and write the answers or solve Math sums, it has moved to more creative forms. So son has to identify words and write them in weird, tiny cloud shaped boxes. There is never enough space to fill in the words and he finds it totally dumb. Another 'fun and imaginative' homework is writing words with different colored crayons, sometimes it also gets 'funner' (in son's vocabulary) where you get to write words with rainbow colors - so basically you can't rub what is once written and given an average six year old rubs each word at least three times, you can imagine what I am dealing with here. My favorite is match the correct answer. Last week he had to match like 30 things on one tiny page. Needless to say he needed 'no help' and refused to use a scale to do the joining. So once he was done the page looked like a google map. (I know they are useful. But I can't read maps. I rely on the goodwill of mankind to take me to places.)
Anyway son in his infinite wisdom has figured it out," Its homework Mummy. Its not supposed to be fun or anything. For that we have to do other things like play and all."

Delhi Belly

There was a post Diwali ritual in my house every year. The entire Diwali month, my parents would binge on mithai and namkeen and then promptly go on something called the General Motors diet. The General Motors diet involves eating a distinct kind of food every day of the week. It could be just bananas on one day, and just boiled vegetables on another day. Basically the parents did not starve, but there is a limit to the number of bananas you can eat in a day. The rest of us, that is me and my brother would feel guilty about eating hearty meals. It was like those TV documentaries, where you end up feeling guilty about having a plate full of rice while people are starving. The good part is, it lasted one week and brother and I managed to lose one kilo in guilt while parents ended up 3 kilos lighter.
The bad part? Those three lost kilos usually came back in two weeks, and they got one extra kilo with them for company.

A very Delhi habit is being on a diet but never giving up the desert. However less we eat, the meal has to be followed by something sweet. So I have seen family and friends drinking sugar free teas which taste like sickeningly sweet boiled water - but we never mess with the post dinner gulab jamun. Though lately the gulab jamun has been replaced by sugar free amul chocolates and ice creams. (High fat and high calorie but no sugar).

One season, post getting Baba Ramdeved, there was an acute shortage of lauki in Delhi. Everyone I knew was drinking 'Lauki ka juice' as a part of the get thin quick plan. I tried it one day, and it made me wish my taste buds were dead and buried. The next season, mom was growing bushes of Aloe Vera since its juice was found to magically melt away weight. When I asked her about the lauki ka juice she said, "Oh that we can have any day now. Lauki got cheaper. Now Aloe Vera you cant get it easily."

You know you are in 2011 when you crib about the lift not working and your six year old tells you, "I always take the stairs (I stay on the 11th floor), its good exercise.'

Gosh I miss the 80's when my parents refused to buy me a Barbie doll (something I did not forgive them for till I was 25) since she looked 'too thin'. In fact, the dolls I played with would be classified as clinically obese in today's time and would need to go on a diet for sure.

Calvined

I love reading Calvin and Hobbs comic strips. Besides being highly intelligent, Calvin is ironic, funny, profound and there is absolutely no tiresome moralizing anywhere.
Now all my life (till I gave birth to my own Calvin) I always wondered why Calvin's mom looks so undernourished, hassled and sorely in need of vodka shots a vacation and multivitamins (strictly in that order). Finally post Dhruv turning six, I seem to increasingly resemble her. I have my Calvin moments everyday where I feel like telling my son - "Listen I am a first time parent. I don't have most of the answers and I blame my parents for it."

Tuesday the 28th:

Scenario: Me getting Dhruv to do his homework.

Dhruv: My homework is so dumb. They make us do one page of writing everyday. Did you get writing homework?

Me: (Putting on a superior air): When I was your age I used to not only write 5 pages, but also read like 10 pages as homework everyday.

Dhruv: Why you could not read and write properly? See if you did one page nicely, they would not have gived (Dhruv does not favor usage of the word given) you so much homework.

Sunday the 26th: Me putting Dhruv to bed (9 p.m.)

Ps: In my experience, the trickiest, toughest, most non-answerable questions get asked at bedtime when I am very sleepy myself and I want Dhruv to sleep

Dhruv: Mummy when people kill baby whales, do you think their mother's miss them.

Me: I am sure they do.

Dhruv: So what do they do when they miss them?

Me: No idea. But I am sure they must miss them. Don't you remember, in finding Nemo, his family got so upset when they lost him.

Dhruv: Pooh that's just a movie, all lies. You should google and see how the blue whale's mummy feels when he gets lost.

Dhruv (10. p.m half asleep but determined not to give in): Mummy also can you google and check if plants like to eat certain kind of manure? I mean which flavors do they like.

Calvin's dad says it for me - Being a parent is wanting to hug and whack your kid at the same time. :)

Nemo

My son Dhruv's pet fish Nemo died today morning. I spent an agonizing first half of the day thinking of appropriate ways to break the news to Dhruv. Nothing in my 6 years of motherhood had equipped me for this task (Though I feel eminently unsuitable for a lot of mothering tasks lately). Nemo was an year old, and Dhruv is attached to him as feeding and cleaning his fish bowl are his responsibilities. Well fishes being fishes do nothing except swim, but I was attached to Nemo as well :(.

Once Dhruv got home, I broke the news pointblank. Dhruv gave me a long hard look and said ," How can something live for so less time." I told him fishes don't live long. Post that he decided Nemo is 'Resting' and 'No one dies with their eyes open.' After some contemplation he finally decided, 'Nemo is gone.' While I expected the waterworks (Mine had started, needless to say). Dhruv asked me , 'Now what is Nemo going to be reborn as?' I told him personally I am not a believer in the rebirth idea. To which he incredulously replied," Of course we are reborn. Nemo can be a goat or a tree. He just cant be a fish. You get bored as one thing, so you are reborn as something else. That's how it works."
While I sat digesting this. He informed me,"You might also be a tree in your next life."I told him I am not bored being a human but anyway hubby accuses me of being as lazy as a log of wood on most days, so not a bad option. Post some more deep thought Dhruv decided, "I have a feeling Nemo will be reborn as the puppy you are planning to buy me." (Emotional blackmail at its best!! I have in principle agreed to buy him a puppy, if and when he is able to help out, and that's no where soon). And to press the advantage further he added," You can always call him Nemo if you like, we wont miss our fish that way." So looks like Nemo the puppy is on the cards soon.

Its on SALE

So everything is on sale. Every week and everyday, everything I seem to buy seems to get cheaper the next week making me wonder if I should have waited a week.

And while I seem to be buying cheaper, I am buying so much that I seem to have spent more in one month than in 6 months :(

Now I have clothes for every size - size 0 to size 8 (just in case I get fatter or thinner) bags for every occasion - trekking to airline travel to cocktail party. Shoes for all emergencies - running after son to running for exercise and also stuff for when (if?) we move to a bigger house, when (if) we redecorate the son's room, when (if) pals deliver kids.

In fact yesterday I had a long hard look at all the cupboards in our house and observed to my husband ," Don't you think our house has very few cupboards." Hubby looked at me quizzically and retorted," Don't you think all the 8 cupboards have too much stuff?"

The Central Sale has been extended by two more days on popular demand - Time to hit the mall and buy a new cupboard at a HUGE discount.