You got the smarts

Well it is exam time. And I knew things were not going to be smooth sailing when on the first day of his study leave son declares, " You have wasted half my day in making me study." Considering it was 12 a.m and he had been up since 6.30 a.m. it was half a day indeed and what a day!

2 break fast breaks, 2 snack breaks one toilet paper rolled all over the house and one green clay looking suspiciously fungusy(eeks) all over his room disaster and just half a day. And of course we managed some 20 minute of studying in between all the excitement.

Anyway, in my new age parenting wisdom I decided to have a free and frank talk with him. Here it is verbatim with no artistic licenses, just some grammar changes.

Me: I think it is time you improved your handwriting.

Son: No need. I am anyway smarter than the teacher. Also now she is able to understand what I am written.

Me: Maybe she has given up and does not care. But do it for yourself.

Son: No need. All the teachers finally start understanding my handwriting. Anyway its your fault, you gave me birth.

Me: Well, that is pushing it a bit too far. I did give you birth but I did not insist you write untidily.

Son: No its a DNA defect you did. You made me smarter than all the other kids with bad handwriting.

Me: How do you know you are smarter than other kids?

Son: I know stuff they don't. For instance they don't know that there are people smarter than Einstein and the name of the first submarine.

Me: I am sure many kids know that. Have you come up with something original?

Son: Yeah I invented a new type of snack. I actually made holes in a Khakhra (a Gujarati snack for the uninitiated) and added cashew nuts to it. So I have invented a new snack.

While I sat thinking of this significant achievement which my engineered DNA defect had led to, son decided to get the last word in." Do you think you need to be boring to get things done?" While I sat wondering where did that come from he tells me, "I was reading one of your books, 'Steal like an artist' (he reads some of the books I do, especially graphic novels) and it says you need to be boring to get things done. But Mummy, I don't think its right. I get so much done and I am not boring." :)

Gaga over Yoga:)

Dear Yoga,

How do I love thee,
let me count the ways...

You give me a high which white wine & dark chocolate cannot match,
All while I am working out and there is really no catch.
Catch = (weight, clogged arteries, new scientific research..)

The stretches make me realize how unused the muscles and joints are,
Alas! the long road to a 'healthy' body is indeed far.

The word 'Breathe' takes on a new meaning in life,
Yes, we do forget to inhale and exhale in the everyday strife.

The warrior pose, the tree pose, the cat and the cobra,
Last night, son wanted to know if Yoga has a zebra (Not heard of one though).

The joy of the sun salutation, the rays of the sun falling on my face,
The feeling of strength, the agility, the grace...

Mind, body and breathe,
For Yoga that is all you need..

I gave up writing verse at eight,
To start again at 35 is a little late,
But Yoga you make me lithe and happy,
So you deserve a verse fun and snappy:)

Gender Bender

Son walked in from school last week and told me a very interesting story. His school has started gender sensitization for students. They had a play a few days ago where they showed a girl being bullied by a boy. Instead of crying, the girl asserted herself and stood up to the bullying. The principal of his school ended the session with a 'Respect girls' talk. Bravo.

Now post these sessions it seems the number of pitched battles in my son's class have exponentially gone up. (The teacher must be on deep breathing exercises and Saridon). Earlier it was limited to a few random kids hitting each other. Now a lot of girls have joined the fray leading to a lot of bruises. A few days ago son came back with a huge bruise and told me "Reena punched me and told me that I should  respect her. I told her how can I respect you if you hit me. I punched her back and she came with the girls team. We fought bravely though my pal Ashwin was badly hit and started crying."

I decided it was time for me to step in as the parent and give him some gyaan on respect and equality. So I told him," You can't assume girls to be the weaker gender. You need to stop hitting them assuming there is going to be no retaliation." Son with his infinite wisdom tells me , "Oh girls are not to be fought with. They wail so loudly and lengthily that the teacher immediately grounds all the boys from games period if we fight with even one of them. Plus usually other girls also join in to lend their support and twice principal sir grounded all the boys post a fight."
More (vocal) power to the girls I say:)

Dear Man who cuts my hair in the salon (Sorry Hair Stylist),

I must applaud your persistence  In the 8 odd years I have been coming to you to get my hair cut, trimmed, colored, bleached, coal tared,  ghastlied, you have constantly and patiently suggested so many ways and means to get me to look 25. And to my credit I have always told you I never liked 25 much. It was a very dull and boring time in my life. I was busy building a career and had no life. Anyway to get to the point as I have told you time and again I am happy being in my swinging 30's, so please don't send me back to my staid 20's.

I must also applaud you for the timing of your 'Madam try our 10 years younger facial package.' It is invariably brought up when I am sitting in front of 8 mirrors, in bright light with half wet hair, feeling like a guinea pig. In fact I am so used to your spiel now that I know exactly what is coming when. First the get younger facials, then the pore minimizing cream with the new age blah blah exonomiothaziniate (or some such thing), then the Kareena Kapoor Mac compact and finally the de-stressing spa package.

On a few occasions I have tried tackling the problem by wearing glasses and carrying a book while I got a haircut. I kept my nose stuck in the book while my hair was being cut, refusing to look at pores and signs of ageing in 8 mirrors. Of course after the session you promptly suggested the carrot facial package which will also strengthen my eyes and make my free from glasses. Since after all 'Madam glasses are also a sign of ageing.' Sigh, man I love my glasses, and it took me a long time to get them.

I am actually tempted to take one of your packages for 8 years of persistent efforts and because occasionally your nagging reminds me of my mom.

To sign off dear man, here is some gyaan from Coco Chanel of Chanel number 5 no less - She says nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at 50.

Best,
Me@35


   

Right or Wrong

My son's eight year old friend found a twenty rupee note lying on the road and immediately declared, 'This goes in my piggybank.' My son meanwhile felt it is not really his, so it would be morally wrong to go with the rest of his money in the piggybank. After a heated argument with 'finders-keepers' vs 'this is stealing' I was called in to suggest an appropriate solution. It is not easy being an authority on these issues, more so when - 'Why don't we google and check', was also one of the options suggested, which I quickly scuttled.

Strangely, I have never found any money lying on the road - of course partly due to the fact that I am careless, and probably one of those people who drop some of those notes which others eventually find. But that set me thinking, 'What would I do if I found some money?' I would not put it in my piggybank as it just seems fundamentally wrong to keep money which is not rightfully mine. I would probably donate it, that way at least I would live with a clear conscience and it would/could (should one hopes) be used for a worthy cause. Though, as the kids helpfully pointed out - 'But mummy who will come to take a twenty rupee donation?' I could also give it to one of those (unfortunately) all pervasive traffic light beggars.  But that would be wrong and it would seem like I am condoning something wrong. Another quick, seemingly right and convenient option would be it handing over to the apartment security. In my apartment, jewellery or money accidentally dropped is reported to the security who return it, if they find it. But given the triviality of the amount who would report it lost and who would return it. However, I could just give it to them as my charitable 'chai-paani' gesture. Or I could just take the easy way out - leave it lying on the road - let someone else get lucky or unlucky - depending on the way you see it.

Anyway, the latest update is, the money is in the friend's piggy bank. His grand mother said it was perfectly right, since it is his money now. My son meanwhile has declared his friend is likely to grow up and become a 'wrong person.'

Angry Surd

My seven year old and I had a very interesting Sharad Pawar slap-gate discussion today morning.

Son: 'It was so awesome that corrupt man was slapped by the Sardarji.'

Me: 'Yeah they are all very corrupt, useless.'

Then I realised I am giving him the wrong idea here. So I told him, we are a democracy where we vote and get the right people to look after us. There are courts for filing cases against corrupt people. LokPal - again like a judge to investigate. Son hears my monologue and post that goes - "But who elected this man?"

Me: "Well, people like us."

Son: " Ok did that Sardarji who slapped him elect him also?"

Me: "Maybe not. Or maybe he did and was therefore angrier than the rest of us."

Son: "I did not elect him. I am happy he was slapped. In fact Anna Hazare should give this man a prize as he is also fighting corruption. This is 'real fighting'."

Last heard son was intending to download the Angry Surd for IPAD . Someone needs to quickly launch this one. Will be a big hit.

Note to self: News is definitely PG12. Parental guidance advised. Ditto newspapers.

Definitely Not a Love Story

Disclaimer - My title has nothing to do with the recently released Hindi movie. And yes, I am clued in to all the new releases in Bollywood.

Not long ago, (in fact just last week) in India's IT capital there was a famous man, an actor no less who one night brutally beat up his wife and threatened her with a gun. He also burnt her with cigarette stubs while he was at it. They were having marital problems and he decided the only way to settle it was to beat up his wife in her parents house. The wife went and filed a five page police complaint detailing marital abuse. In her complaint she named a lady friend of her husband's as the 'cause of her marital problems'.

The wife was hospitalized and treated for her physical injuries - needles to say the mental agony is ignorable since she is married to a Demi-God and tsk tsk all these things keep happening between husbands and wives. Surprisingly, or maybe because the wife's injuries were so obvious, the police had to act and put the Demigod in jail. His supporters came out to show their support, disrupted public life and showed how unfair the decision to put a wife beater in jail was.

Demigod meanwhile ended up in the 'best cell' in jail and in true 'Sandalwood style' he faced divine justice. Within hours of being incarcerated, he was diagnosed with jaundice, asthma, respiratory problems and he was sent to the best hospital suite in town. The wife was advised by well wishers to promptly withdraw her complaint or else...After all good girls don't wash their dirty linen in public.

The next day the newspapers of the land carried photographs of a visibly injured and unwell looking wife visiting the 'very sick' husband in hospital. Wife of course made rapid recovery and decided that since she has so many 'well wishers' she might as well recover at home away from the media glare. Also solitude at home will help her reflect on the 'grave' mistake she has made.

Hero-Heroine reconcile, All is well. So movie over? Of course not! Now enters the vamp. Remember in the beginning there was mention of the other woman? A friend of the Demigod, turns out she was actually the cause of all this.

Really how? Did she go and beat up his wife with him? No of course not. He is a hero he can do it himself. Ok then she must be holding the gun at least while he was at it? Rubbish, hero's don't need mere women to hold guns. In fact, she was not even in town when it happened. Hmm ok then maybe she gave instructions to him on phone. Of course not. Our man was anyway too drunk to take instructions.

See, she was responsible since she was the other woman and basically not well brought up - no respect, tameez, tehzeeb etc and also someone had to be punished. So the wise men of the land got together and decided to 'ostracize her, stop talking to her and giving her work' so that a strong message goes out to all the other women - You can't mess with a married Demigod. They are after all a gullible, susceptible lot.

Surely someone must have spoken up for her? Yeah one or two random people did. And the battered wife of course considers her all evil.

So they are not taking any action against him? There is no need. Wife has absolved him of all crimes and the wise men feel he has been punished by the almighty for his crimes.

Of so finally all is well? Not yet. Me thinks, another twist in the tale is waiting to happen. The other woman who has so far taken a strong stand will be advised by her 'well wishers' to publicly apologize and send an apology note to the media. Also she will finally tie the Demigod a Rakhi and basically turn over a new leaf - upholding our great culture and tradition.