Dear Man who cuts my hair in the salon (Sorry Hair Stylist),

I must applaud your persistence  In the 8 odd years I have been coming to you to get my hair cut, trimmed, colored, bleached, coal tared,  ghastlied, you have constantly and patiently suggested so many ways and means to get me to look 25. And to my credit I have always told you I never liked 25 much. It was a very dull and boring time in my life. I was busy building a career and had no life. Anyway to get to the point as I have told you time and again I am happy being in my swinging 30's, so please don't send me back to my staid 20's.

I must also applaud you for the timing of your 'Madam try our 10 years younger facial package.' It is invariably brought up when I am sitting in front of 8 mirrors, in bright light with half wet hair, feeling like a guinea pig. In fact I am so used to your spiel now that I know exactly what is coming when. First the get younger facials, then the pore minimizing cream with the new age blah blah exonomiothaziniate (or some such thing), then the Kareena Kapoor Mac compact and finally the de-stressing spa package.

On a few occasions I have tried tackling the problem by wearing glasses and carrying a book while I got a haircut. I kept my nose stuck in the book while my hair was being cut, refusing to look at pores and signs of ageing in 8 mirrors. Of course after the session you promptly suggested the carrot facial package which will also strengthen my eyes and make my free from glasses. Since after all 'Madam glasses are also a sign of ageing.' Sigh, man I love my glasses, and it took me a long time to get them.

I am actually tempted to take one of your packages for 8 years of persistent efforts and because occasionally your nagging reminds me of my mom.

To sign off dear man, here is some gyaan from Coco Chanel of Chanel number 5 no less - She says nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at 50.

Best,
Me@35


   

Right or Wrong

My son's eight year old friend found a twenty rupee note lying on the road and immediately declared, 'This goes in my piggybank.' My son meanwhile felt it is not really his, so it would be morally wrong to go with the rest of his money in the piggybank. After a heated argument with 'finders-keepers' vs 'this is stealing' I was called in to suggest an appropriate solution. It is not easy being an authority on these issues, more so when - 'Why don't we google and check', was also one of the options suggested, which I quickly scuttled.

Strangely, I have never found any money lying on the road - of course partly due to the fact that I am careless, and probably one of those people who drop some of those notes which others eventually find. But that set me thinking, 'What would I do if I found some money?' I would not put it in my piggybank as it just seems fundamentally wrong to keep money which is not rightfully mine. I would probably donate it, that way at least I would live with a clear conscience and it would/could (should one hopes) be used for a worthy cause. Though, as the kids helpfully pointed out - 'But mummy who will come to take a twenty rupee donation?' I could also give it to one of those (unfortunately) all pervasive traffic light beggars.  But that would be wrong and it would seem like I am condoning something wrong. Another quick, seemingly right and convenient option would be it handing over to the apartment security. In my apartment, jewellery or money accidentally dropped is reported to the security who return it, if they find it. But given the triviality of the amount who would report it lost and who would return it. However, I could just give it to them as my charitable 'chai-paani' gesture. Or I could just take the easy way out - leave it lying on the road - let someone else get lucky or unlucky - depending on the way you see it.

Anyway, the latest update is, the money is in the friend's piggy bank. His grand mother said it was perfectly right, since it is his money now. My son meanwhile has declared his friend is likely to grow up and become a 'wrong person.'

Angry Surd

My seven year old and I had a very interesting Sharad Pawar slap-gate discussion today morning.

Son: 'It was so awesome that corrupt man was slapped by the Sardarji.'

Me: 'Yeah they are all very corrupt, useless.'

Then I realised I am giving him the wrong idea here. So I told him, we are a democracy where we vote and get the right people to look after us. There are courts for filing cases against corrupt people. LokPal - again like a judge to investigate. Son hears my monologue and post that goes - "But who elected this man?"

Me: "Well, people like us."

Son: " Ok did that Sardarji who slapped him elect him also?"

Me: "Maybe not. Or maybe he did and was therefore angrier than the rest of us."

Son: "I did not elect him. I am happy he was slapped. In fact Anna Hazare should give this man a prize as he is also fighting corruption. This is 'real fighting'."

Last heard son was intending to download the Angry Surd for IPAD . Someone needs to quickly launch this one. Will be a big hit.

Note to self: News is definitely PG12. Parental guidance advised. Ditto newspapers.

Definitely Not a Love Story

Disclaimer - My title has nothing to do with the recently released Hindi movie. And yes, I am clued in to all the new releases in Bollywood.

Not long ago, (in fact just last week) in India's IT capital there was a famous man, an actor no less who one night brutally beat up his wife and threatened her with a gun. He also burnt her with cigarette stubs while he was at it. They were having marital problems and he decided the only way to settle it was to beat up his wife in her parents house. The wife went and filed a five page police complaint detailing marital abuse. In her complaint she named a lady friend of her husband's as the 'cause of her marital problems'.

The wife was hospitalized and treated for her physical injuries - needles to say the mental agony is ignorable since she is married to a Demi-God and tsk tsk all these things keep happening between husbands and wives. Surprisingly, or maybe because the wife's injuries were so obvious, the police had to act and put the Demigod in jail. His supporters came out to show their support, disrupted public life and showed how unfair the decision to put a wife beater in jail was.

Demigod meanwhile ended up in the 'best cell' in jail and in true 'Sandalwood style' he faced divine justice. Within hours of being incarcerated, he was diagnosed with jaundice, asthma, respiratory problems and he was sent to the best hospital suite in town. The wife was advised by well wishers to promptly withdraw her complaint or else...After all good girls don't wash their dirty linen in public.

The next day the newspapers of the land carried photographs of a visibly injured and unwell looking wife visiting the 'very sick' husband in hospital. Wife of course made rapid recovery and decided that since she has so many 'well wishers' she might as well recover at home away from the media glare. Also solitude at home will help her reflect on the 'grave' mistake she has made.

Hero-Heroine reconcile, All is well. So movie over? Of course not! Now enters the vamp. Remember in the beginning there was mention of the other woman? A friend of the Demigod, turns out she was actually the cause of all this.

Really how? Did she go and beat up his wife with him? No of course not. He is a hero he can do it himself. Ok then she must be holding the gun at least while he was at it? Rubbish, hero's don't need mere women to hold guns. In fact, she was not even in town when it happened. Hmm ok then maybe she gave instructions to him on phone. Of course not. Our man was anyway too drunk to take instructions.

See, she was responsible since she was the other woman and basically not well brought up - no respect, tameez, tehzeeb etc and also someone had to be punished. So the wise men of the land got together and decided to 'ostracize her, stop talking to her and giving her work' so that a strong message goes out to all the other women - You can't mess with a married Demigod. They are after all a gullible, susceptible lot.

Surely someone must have spoken up for her? Yeah one or two random people did. And the battered wife of course considers her all evil.

So they are not taking any action against him? There is no need. Wife has absolved him of all crimes and the wise men feel he has been punished by the almighty for his crimes.

Of so finally all is well? Not yet. Me thinks, another twist in the tale is waiting to happen. The other woman who has so far taken a strong stand will be advised by her 'well wishers' to publicly apologize and send an apology note to the media. Also she will finally tie the Demigod a Rakhi and basically turn over a new leaf - upholding our great culture and tradition.

Losing it

I was asked to do a weight loss blog by a few pals - after wondering 'am I even qualified to write one' to 'why would someone find this interesting', I finally wrote it down. People (some) of you asked for it! 

For most women having a baby is time when the extra kilos pile up and refuse to go. Also, well meaning family and friends don't help matters by telling you how Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie were back to size 2 one month after having their babies. Size zero, Kareena Kapoor's, clothes (especially western wear) designed for dimensionally challenged women and flattering Facebook pics of pals and pals of pals (I am NOT voyeuristic - whats the point of having flattering pics if no one sees - please tell me) are other very discouraging factors. 

 

Ok I'll get to the point. Here's what helps in terms of exercise options when you finally decide to get back into those per-pregnancy jeans.

 

- Walking - Brisk walking is effective. Its not glamorous unless you have the privilege of doing it in jogger's park but it does the trick. By brisk I mean you should break into a sweat by round three at least. Ideally you should vary the pace for a proper cardio workout. The good part is, it is cheap and free, you don't need to go to a gym and you can push the baby's pram and do it too. Take an IPod or hear music on your phone and you will be hooked. Of course you need good weather to walk. Though my Mom beats the Delhi heat with the 'Mall Walk'. She does her evening walks in a clean air conditioned environment at the mall near her house:) Of course it takes nerves of steel not shop or hit the Barista post your walk. 

 

- Stair Climbing - Disclaimer - This is not for everyone. Can lead to knee injury. Best to consult your doctor if you have any kind of complaints. However, it worked like magic for me when I was trying to loose weight. Since I am of the 'Thunder Thighs Brigade' this was like the best workout for my lower body. Also if you come from the 'Walking is too easy' thought process this one feels like a workout especially if you are doing anything above 6 floors. To begin with, start by climbing down, its easier and you get used to the idea. Then start taking the stairs once or twice when you run errands. Soon you will get used to it and trust me the benefits are thunderous( (pun intended). The only drawback is my kid grew up watching me climb stairs and now he refuses to use the lift. I stay on the 11th floor and there is major sulking and lecture on wastage of resources (by seven year kid to me) every time I take the lift. 

 

- Yoga - This one is among my favorites but I can't really say it leads to instant and quick weight loss. I did Yoga religiously for six odd months and I think I was extremely healthy with no coughs, colds, migraines and imagined maladies (ban all those online medical sites I implore you) in that time. I think a routine of Pranayams especially 15 minutes of Kapalbharti for getting the tummy tucked followed by Suryanamaskar is a great way to start your day. Of course it is best done first thing and empty stomach. Tip: Shipa Shetty's yoga DVD is usually a good way to induce your better half to join your yoga session. Though I am sorry to say the inevitable comparisons of flat abs and great skin is not good for your self esteem.

 

  - Dancing - Amazing workout. The Bollywood 'Latkas and Jhatkas' make you burn those calories while you happily hum on to 'Sheela ki Jawani.' Most dance classes begin with a warmup and end with a cool down and Bollywood dance is like a cardio. Also you end up learning some dancing which stands you in good stead in ladies sangeets, family weddings and other such occasions. Only flipside is where I stay, all Bollywood dancing is done and taught by 15 to 18 year old's - so I occasionally feel a bit ancient. But it is totally worth it. If you want a toned tummy then belly dancing is another fun workout. Usually done by exotically named instructors, it makes you feel like a princess. Sigh refer Kartina Kaif 'Sheela Ki Jawani'.

 - Cycling - I don't do much of it. But I have family which is totally hooked to it. I am given to understand it is great for the abdominal muscles and I can vouch its great for lower body 'thunderous' parts. Also it is very eco-friendly and you get popular among young people - I had a bunch of kids cheering me on every time I went cycling. You can do it as a family activity. Unless you have family like mine which does it on weekends for 'modest' distances like 200 kms. 

 

  - Zumba - I love Zumba. It is the latest dance inspired fitness program where you move to the beats of your favorite music. In Zumba you get to try a variety of dance moves from Salsa, Merengue, Hip-Hop, Samba, Belly Dancing to Bollywood. The best part is you don't even need to know how to dance. Zumba dance moves are really simple and easy to follow and do, and everyone across age groups can do them. Its great for flat abs, toned glutes and toned leg and arm muscles and maximizes caloric output and fat burning.

 - Swimming - Is a very relaxing, full body workout which works very well for inch and weight loss. It is low intensity and also extremely stress releasing. If you stay 'up North' then nothing like swimming to beat the summer heat. 

Meanwhile here's Woody Allen to cheer us up - "When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty."

Coming soon loosing it part 2 - Food to eat for which I have enlisted a very heath conscious foodie, who unlike me is not a disaster in the kitchen. I'll post some recipes and tips soon.

Going Solo

I like eating out alone. I am not a misanthrope. I am all for loving Humankind and prefer going out with family and friends. But I see no reason why you should deprive yourself of a good meal because people in your life are busy at work, weight watching or not inclined. And sometimes its just an impulse decision which cannot wait for the weekend. Needless to say I am not making a feminist statement. Its just a case of 'Hungry Kya?'

The sight of a woman eating solo in not a common one at all. In all my visits (and there have been numerous) I have only on one occasion spotted a female luncher, and for some reason she looked so miserable, that it nearly took my appetite away. In fact, I have seen more women hanging out alone in pubs than eating out.

I thank my stars, I stay in Bangalore where people mostly leave you alone to your meals. I would for all my sense of adventure avoid attempting this in Delhi. Delhi is a lovely place, I have grown up there and have family (roots as they say and shoots also lets add) but we Punjabi's don't like 'ladeez from respectable families eating alone.' After all 'Ghar par Papaji, Uncleji, Husbandji nahin hai kya?”

Now eating out alone presents some unique challenges. If you are eating in a fancy place, the first obstacle is announcing to the maître d’ restaurant, “I am eating alone so seat me accordingly.” In one case, as soon as I told him place for one (I was trying to circumvent explaining I am eating alone), I was asked,” How many of you are there?” So I told him 'One of me, so I will sit on one seat and you can give me a table for two.' Light dawned and he smiled genially and asked me – 'Oh so you will eat the full meal alone?' I did not know people eat some parts of their meals alone! I guess he was being conversational. Then he proceeded to seat me on a huge table for four in the center of the restaurant where everyone walking in could see what I was eating. I actually felt like a lab specimen – Exhibit 1a. – Woman eating lunch alone. I think he totally did not understand that the idea of having a meal to yourself is some 'me time' where you can catch up on reading or contemplate on the mysteries of life. Sitting in the centre of the restaurant with all the 'families' and 'couplez' surrounding you might be good for the restaurant but is certainly not good for you.

Here places like Cuppa, Mocha and Cafe Coffee Day come to the rescue. The food is not gourmet and I am being charitable here, but the ambiance is mostly college kids or office people taking a break so no one cares about the formalities of seating you or figuring out how many of you are there. But sometimes these young people hangouts tend to have a space crunch. So one day, I ended up sharing a table with three college going kids. One of whom had an array of intimidating tattoos – dragoons and demons and what not's. She seemed to be going through a painful period in life and in a loud booming voice was shouting out the details. I spent a painful 30 minutes while she boomed on about the A@#$%^& who dumped her. And how she would s$%^& his life. Her other pals meanwhile, made sympathetic noises and played games on their phones. So I was like captive audience to this sad story. While I was getting ready to shed some sympathetic tears, kid with tattoo had already moved on in life and was cheerfully playing games on her phone – Cheers to the 21^st century 'Bhartiya Nari' who carries no emotional baggage beyond 1 hour. You will go places girl.

On another occasion, I was witness to a full blown fight between two kids who looked 15. Scene 1 Girl gives guy an earful about 'His lack of commitment to the relationship.' The guy meanwhile nods and gazes at pics on his laptop. Both of them have 'matching' sun glasses given the solemnity of the occasion. Scene 2 Boy shuts laptop and accuses the girl of being 'Demanding.' Scene 3 Girl walks out. Scene 4 Phew! I decide to walk out too. Me of course being a mere extra in the proceedings. Scene 5 I pay and girl walks in again, takes another seat and starts surfing on her (identical, but of course) laptop.

It was all like a Bollywood movie. The only thing missing was maybe Eminen playing in the background.

“Going Solo Solo Solo
dont need you anymore
Ill manage thank you
without you making me look like a fool
I wanna go Solo Solo Solo.... Solo”

Who says eating out alone can get boring, tiring or lonely!

Homework I command thee be done

The title is not original:) Its stolen from Calvin. But those are my exact thoughts as I deal with my son's homework. Homework has changed over the years. From a straightforward read a lesson and write the answers or solve Math sums, it has moved to more creative forms. So son has to identify words and write them in weird, tiny cloud shaped boxes. There is never enough space to fill in the words and he finds it totally dumb. Another 'fun and imaginative' homework is writing words with different colored crayons, sometimes it also gets 'funner' (in son's vocabulary) where you get to write words with rainbow colors - so basically you can't rub what is once written and given an average six year old rubs each word at least three times, you can imagine what I am dealing with here. My favorite is match the correct answer. Last week he had to match like 30 things on one tiny page. Needless to say he needed 'no help' and refused to use a scale to do the joining. So once he was done the page looked like a google map. (I know they are useful. But I can't read maps. I rely on the goodwill of mankind to take me to places.)
Anyway son in his infinite wisdom has figured it out," Its homework Mummy. Its not supposed to be fun or anything. For that we have to do other things like play and all."